Discernment Counseling is a powerful service for couples on the brink of divorce. This short-term (one to five session) process helps couples gain clarity and confidence in their decision-making about the future of their marriage by helping them gain a deeper awareness of what happened in the marriage such that divorce is a real possibility. It is the perfect option for the “mixed agenda” couple where one spouse is seriously considering divorce and the other is hoping for reconciliation. Read below for more detailed information.
Learn the foundations of discernment counseling, including what mixed-agenda couples are and why traditional couples therapy often falls short.
A surprising number of divorcing couples have at least one spouse who is ambivalent about the divorce and believes the marriage can be saved. Click to learn more:
A mixed agenda couple is when one spouse is ready to leave the marriage (the “leaning out spouse”) and one spouse wants to save the marriage (the “leaning in spouse”).
►Take the quiz to see where you fit.
►Why does couples therapy not work with mixed agenda couples?
If you are wanting to save the marriage and have suggested you go to couples therapy, you are the Leaning In spouse.
You have spent a long time deciding whether or not to try to save your marriage and have just announced your decision to leave. Now, your spouse is desperately trying to save the marriage and has asked you to try couples therapy (again?)
►Read more about a typical experience of the leaning out spouse.
Discernment counseling is a “go-to” option for couples on the brink of divorce … but it may not be appropriate for everyone.
► Learn which couples are good candidates for discernment counseling
►Video: Ginny discusses whether you need to be married to seek DC
Discernment counseling is fundamentally different from tradition couples therapy.
Practical guidance on how to introduce the idea to your spouse, choose a counselor, and get ready for the process.
There are some important considerations for the leaning out spouse as they prepare for discernment counseling.
►How to prepare for DC: shifting away from the mindset of why the marriage will fail
A clear overview of the structure of sessions, the initial phone calls, and what the experience is typically like.
Discernment counseling is a short-term, structured process that is designed to help couples decide next steps in the marriage: do nothing, proceed to separation/divorce, or commit to a period of couples therapy with specific goals in mind.
Before setting up the first discernment counseling session, we speak with each spouse on the phone for 15-20 minutes.
Each session is around 2 hours and follows a distinct pattern:
Understand the three possible paths couples choose at the end of discernment counseling and what each one involves.
At the end of discernment counseling, couples choose a path for their marriage.
When couples choose to move forward with separation/divorce, the discernment counselor can provide some referrals and information about next steps.
When a couple chooses Path 3, they commit to a minimum of 6 months of all-in couples counseling with divorce off the table for that time.
►Read about the Personal Agenda for Change that each spouse writes after choosing Path 3.
►What is the Agreement to Pursue Reconciliation?
► Beginning couple’s therapy after discernment counseling – tips for a smooth transition.
Insights on broader themes such as consumer marriage, defining cheating, and how divorce statistics are often misreported.
Bill Doherty talks about how in a “consumer marriage” we perceive “wants” as “needs” and how this leads us to chronic dissatisfaction in our marriages.
►Watch this great video as Bill discusses consumer marriages.
Guidance for parents on how the nature of the marital relationship affects children and how to talk with them about divorce or counseling.
Parents want to do what’s best for their children. In this post, learn about the search for answers and how the nature of the parents’ relationship matters.
►Explore the topic and do an exercise to explore your attitudes about the impact on children.
Most divorcing couples are low-conflict couples. When there’s high-conflict, divorce is a valid option in very specific situations.
Most divorcing parents seek information on talking to their kids about divorce and providing support for the transition. It is often (usually) helpful to seek the help of a professional, but here are a few thoughts on the topic:
►Talking to kids about divorce: general reminders
►Talking to kids about divorce: developmental considerations