Your spouse has announced a desire to end your marriage and you want to make it work.
You are the Leaning In spouse.
Here’s some information straight from the Doherty Family Institute’s website about feelings you may be experiencing as the leaning in spouse:
Unfortunately, our world is mostly filled with advice for the leaning-out spouse, not for the ones who don’t want a divorce!
Statistically, more leaning-in spouses are men, but if you’re a woman, it’s no less panic-inducing. The reason there are more leaning-in husbands is that 2/3rd of divorces are initiated by wives.
You are likely having some or ALL of the following emotions. You know that many of them aren’t helping the situation, but you can’t shake them and they’re pulling you in different directions.
Common feelings for the leaning in spouse:
- Anger – why wasn’t this brought up before, how dare you destroy our lives? etc.
- Sadness– your spouse is pulling away from you and you are grieving the potential loss of a dream of a healthy, stable marriage and family.
- Confusion – you don’t get why the divorce is on the table, and you’re not getting a clear answer.
- Defensiveness – you’re hearing a lot of criticism and some of it feels untrue or exaggerated. And you’re not the only one with faults in this marriage!
- Helpless frustration – you don’t what to do to save your marriage, and everything you try seems to backfire.
- Mood swings – After a good day or a good conversation you get really hopeful, as if the storm as passed. And then you crash when things turn ugly again.
- Fear and anxiety – you are losing control of a vital area of your life—your marriage and family—and you are scared about the future.
- Worries for your children – you can’t imagine putting your children through a divorce.
- Insecurity – you may worry that you can’t make it financially after a divorce.