If you find yourself as the leaning-in spouse, wanting to discuss discernment counseling with your partner, here are some thoughtful steps to approach the conversation:
- Choose the Right Time and Place: Find a quiet and comfortable setting where both of you can talk openly without distractions. Avoid bringing up the topic during heated moments or when tensions are high.
- Remember that you will be the “champion” for the marriage. For the time being, as the person wanting to save the marriage, you will be the person working harder, listening more and asking less. If you end up choosing to pursue couples therapy, you will once again be a more “equal” participant in reconciliation. But, during this time of crisis, you are the champion for the marriage.
- Acknowledge Your Partner’s Perspective: Recognize that your partner almost certainly has different feelings and perceptions of the problems. Be empathetic and open to hearing their side of the story. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their emotions.
- Introduce the Idea of Discernment Counseling: Explain what discernment counseling is and why you think it could be helpful. You might say, “I’ve heard about a type of counseling called discernment counseling. It’s designed for couples who are unsure about their future together. We only commit to a phone call and then one session at a time. I wonder if it could provide some clarity for us.”
- Emphasize Neutrality: Assure your partner that discernment counseling is not about pushing for divorce or staying together. It’s a neutral space where both of you can explore your options without judgment.
- Invite Them Directly to try Discernment Counseling: Extend an invitation to attend a discernment counseling session together. Say something like, “Would you be willing to explore this option with me? I think it could help us understand where we stand and what steps to take next.”
Remember, the goal is to create a safe and non-threatening environment for both of you to gain clarity about problems in the marriage and your contribution to those problems. Increased clarity and confidence will help you make informed decisions about your relationship. If your spouse agrees, find a certified discernment counselor who can help.