The leaning out spouse is the partner who is seriously considering leaving the marriage. Often, when couples come to discernment counseling, the leaning out spouse has already announced a decision to leave. Maybe, they’ve even filed the divorce papers! Most leaning out spouses do not feel like they are acting in an impulsive way. They know that they have been considering options for a long time and have possibly even tried marital therapy without success.
There’s a reason this person is called the “leaning out” spouse and not the “already out” spouse.This is because the leaning out spouse is still ambivalent about ending the marriage. Maybe they are 95% sure … but this is still ambivalence. Their ambivalence can come from a number of places:
○ Worry about the impact of ending the marriage on the children
○ Witnessing their spouse’s devastation is hard – the goal is not to hurt the other person
○ The ethical commitment to marriage still holds weight in the person’s decision making
○ Maybe there’s an awareness that they haven’t done everything they can do be a better spouse and perhaps help save the marriage.
But here’s the conundrum ….
Even though the leaning out spouse has ambivalence, they may be hesitant to acknowledge it for fear that the (sometimes) desperate leaning in spouse push for couples therapy. So the leaning out spouse is hesitant to pursue the divorce but isn’t ready to commit to an all out effort to save the marriage.
This is where discernment counseling can be so helpful to the leaning out spouse!