When parents make the agonizing decision to end their marriage, they usually worry about the kids. How do we tell them? What should we expect and how can we help them adjust?”
It probably goes without saying that the answers to such questions are largely dependent upon the child’s age. A developmental approach helps us plan, as best we can, to anticipate the needs of the children. In a separate post, I offer a short list of some of the developmental considerations for children of divorcing parents.
Here, I want to offer a few random thoughts/recommendations about children and divorce based on three decades of working with families and children:
►Do not let guilt (or exhaustion) lead you to wishy-washy parenting. You want your children to feel happy, and you worry that the divorce will hurt them. But it’s likely to backfire if you give into their demands just to soften the blow during a hard time. Kids need structure, predictability, and confident parenting more than ever. Bedtime still matters; nutrition is still important; school is still attended; basic rules of respect and behavior are to be followed.
►Kids often surprise us with relatively few questions when they receive the news about their parents divorcing. Parents come to the conversation prepared with answers and well-crafted explanations, only to find that the kids say, “okay” and walk away. Questions often come out later as almost imperceptible side comments. Keep those answers handy!
►Keep in mind that children will re-process the divorce each time they reach a new developmental stage. This is not a bad thing, and it helps when parents are aware of this likelihood. For example, a “tween” son whose parents divorced when he was a toddler may suddenly be angry at his father for “leaving” even though there’s been no evidence of negative feelings before. Or a teenager will re-evaluate parental divorce as they begin to explore their own experiences in relationships. Talking to kids about divorce will be a life-long project that will largely occur on their timeline.
►They say actions speak louder than words – I’m not sure any situation demonstrates this truism more than divorce. Be ever aware that actions are not just purposeful actions … they include the subtle gestures, voice intonations, and other displayed behaviors that send powerful messages to children. You can say all the right things to your children about your ex, but if you do it with an eye roll, the words will be silenced by your actions.
►We strive for kids to experience consistency between the two homes. While true consistency would be ideal, it is far more important that each home maintains its own consistency. When parents spend precious emotional energy trying to convince the ex-spouse to parent in a certain way, they focus less on consistency in their own home. Even worse, they can get into a competition with the ex, sometimes jumping onto an intensifying downward spiral of parenting. (“Well, if she’s not going to bother to take you to your activity, why should I?”) We know from decades of research that many negative outcomes for children can be mediated by just one adult’s willingness to be present, consistent, and supportive of the child’s psychological needs.
As always, it is wise to seek the help of a professional who can coach parents through this significant event in your children’s lives.