Marriage therapy can be a powerful tool for couples wanting to improve their relationship, but it doesn’t always yield positive results. In mixed-agenda couples, where one partner is leaning toward divorce while the other wants to preserve the relationship, traditional couples therapy may fall short.
Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are equally invested in reconciliation. In mixed agenda couples, each spouse comes to therapy with different goals in mind and, typically, each person’s goal is in direct contrast with the other’s. Additionally, the leaning out partner is often disengaged and/or exhausted. They have often spent a long time struggling with the decision to end the marriage and they are hopeless that the relationship can be saved.
In couples therapy, a lot of time can be spent focused on trying to convince the leaning out partner to give the marriage a chance. We run the risk of having the leaning out partner feel “ganged up” on and, as a result, become increasingly defensive about their own role in the problems.
In contrast, discernment counseling acknowledges that each person has a unique perspective on the marriage and the desired outcome. Both spouses are supported and validated for their own experience. The leaning out spouse is recognized for their hesitation in committing to therapy while the leaning in spouse is validated in their desperation to save the marriage.
Ultimately, the goal is to help each spouse gain a deeper understanding of what happened to the marriage and their OWN contributions to the problems.
Roughly half of couples who start discernment counseling opt for a six-month commitment to marital therapy in an effort toward reconciliation. Once in therapy, they bring a stronger commitment to the work with a clear focus on their own personal agendas for change.