Many parents are secretive about their decision to go to marriage counseling. They worry that their children will become more anxious about their parents’ relationship.
Often, but not always, children are already very aware of the stress and conflict in their parents’ marriage, even if they have not been told anything AND even when parents have worked hard to hide their disagreements. Because of this, many experts agree that it’s okay … even helpful … to have planful conversations with your kids about your participation in marital therapy.
Some thoughts about approaching these conversations:
1. Engage in age-appropriate conversations: For very young children, the language may be similar to what you use to guide them in their own social development, like “we are learning to use our words.” For older children, you can acknowledge, “mom and dad have disagreements and we are asking for help to solve them.”
2. Be Neutral: These conversations are NOT the time to take a “dig” at each other. If you can present the idea of couples therapy as a joint effort, and if you can demonstrate respect for one another, your children’s distress can be minimize.
3. Normalize Conflict: You can explain that all families have some disagreements and conflict. Just like siblings argue sometimes, parents can have disagreements. The important thing is to work it out. Reassure your children that seeking help is a sign of wanting things to get better. This can be important role-modeling for your children.
4. Respond to Questions: Often, parents come to the conversations well-prepared for their children’s questions, only to find that the children have none! Discuss ahead of time (as a couple) what information will be shared and what won’t be shared. It is perfectly okay to tell children that there are some things that remain private between the parents.
Not all situations are the same, so feel free to seek guidance from professionals about the best way to approach a conversation with your kids. If your child(ren) are in counseling, you can ask their therapist for suggestions. Likewise your own individual and/or couples therapist would be happy to help brainstorm about what conversations work best for your family.