Category: Uncategorized
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Should we stay married or divorce “for the children”
In this previous post, I wrote about why it is important that we consider the nature of the parental relationship (especially the level of conflict) when discussing the potential impact of divorce on children. Here, I want to focus on two of the scenarios which we often see in discernment counseling. The impact of divorce…
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Children and divorce – conflict in the parental relationship really matters
Statistically, we know that children of divorce are more likely to experience a number of adverse outcomes (mood/anxiety struggles, lower graduation rates, more problems in their own future marriages, and more.) The fact that kids of divorce can suffer is not disputed. However, people do question: a) if there are situations where children benefit from…
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Path 3 (therapy): The agreement to pursue reconciliation
When couples choose Path 3, it means they are commiting to a minimum of six months of all-in couples therapy with divorce off the table for that time. In preparation for that therapy, spouses each complete a Personal Agenda for Change (read about it here) and they jointly read and sign The Agreement to Pursue…
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Discernment counseling on a virtual platform
Discernment counseling can be done in-office or online. Some people have asked about the impact of doing discernment counseling online. In our experience, the online format is, at worst, just as effective as in-office sessions. Some couples who have done both actually report greater satisfaction with the virtual format. Why? There are many practical reasons…
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Discernment Counseling Sessions: What do they look like?
Each session includes a combination of joint (couple) time and individual time with each spouse. The individual conversations are critical for each spouse to explore their own contributions to the problems in the marriage. After each individual conversation, the partner forms (with help from the discernment counselor) a summary of their conversation. With these summaries,…
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The Three Paths
At the completion of discernment counseling, couples have gained a deeper understanding of what has happened to their marriage to get to the point where divorce is an option, and each spouse is aware of their own contributions to the problems. Based on this understanding and awareness, couples choose one of three paths for their…
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Why marriage therapy often fails with mixed agenda couples
Marriage therapy can be a powerful tool for couples wanting to improve their relationship, but it doesn’t always yield positive results. In mixed-agenda couples, where one partner is leaning toward divorce while the other wants to preserve the relationship, traditional couples therapy may fall short. Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are equally invested in…
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Marriage and the “Consumer Culture”
Bill Doherty has a great explanation of how marriage, over the past decades, has turned into “consumer” based arrangements. The consumer marriage focuses on what I want more than what I give. Our wants in a relationship quickly become non-negotiable “needs” and we are set-up to be chronically dissatisfied. Listen to this great explanation of…