Hopefully, through discernment counseling, both spouses gain insight into their own contributions to the problems in the marriage. They also recognize the importance of personal agency; that is, they understand the importance of focusing more on their own behaviors than those of their spouse. Regardless of the chosen path at the end of discernment, both spouses benefit from being more insightful and accountable.
When the couple chooses Path 3 (an all-out effort at reconciliation) the commitment to personal change is formalized in the Personal Agenda for Change. Each spouse is asked to (separately) create a list of 3-5 items that they are wanting to work on within the couples therapy. The agendas are shared with one another at the end of discernment and couples are encouraged to bring these agendas as they start couples therapy.
So what does the Personal Agenda for Change look like?
►These are things that would be important and healthy to change in oneself in order to able to have a good relationship in this marriage or in any other marriage-type relationship
►Because the goal of discernment counseling includes gaining a deeper understanding of the problems, the personal agenda for change should reflect this depth of understanding. Spouses do not list simple behavioral changes; rather, they include more underlying challenges of maintaining a solid self and being intimate.
►The list should not include anything that involves the other person changing.
►Finally, the spouses should stay away from couple-level goals (e.g., more closeness) and, for now, focus on individual commitments.
For example:
Behavior/Surface Goal
Personal Agenda for Change Goal
“I will communicate better.”
“I will remember that when I get hurt, I shut down and stop communicating openly. I’ll challenge myself to recognize these hurt feelings and change my pattern of retreat.” |
“I will listen better.”
“I will recognize how I stop listening and become defensive when I am criticized or challenged. When I stop listening, my spouse is understandably frustrated and responds accordingly. I will do my part by recognizing when I am being defensive and then re-engaging in the conversation in a more meaningful way.”
“I will stop taking care of everyone else instead of myself.”
“I will acknowledge that if I am excessively taking care of others, it’s because I am choosing to do so. Sometimes I do it to avoid conflict; sometimes I want to feel superior to my spouse by picking up the pieces. I will take responsibility for choosing how much to help and when to let go.” |