If you are the leaning in spouse – the one who wants to pursue couples therapy in order to reconcile the marriage – you MUST be prepared to be what we call the champion for the marriage. If you have both agreed to pursue discernment counseling, your preparation for the process includes a consistent focus on this role.
What exactly does it mean to be the champion of the marriage?
► You must commit to the effort. In fact, you need to be prepared to work harder than your spouse … for now. You’re the one focused on saving the marriage; you work harder.
► You must be willing to “go first” and to minimize focus on being sure your “side” gets equal attention. To be sure, if discernment counseling ends with a commitment to Path 3 (couples therapy),there will be an expectation that therapy involves a joint effort and an equal level of participation by both spouses.
► This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect during discernment or that you must pretend that everything is fine. It just means that you’re willing to postpone thoughts and discussions about “fairness” for now.
We know this is a “big ask” — you’re hurt, emotional, confused and probably angry; and now you’re being asked to work harder than your partner even though they are the one “starting” this. You know that you may make this effort and still lose your marriage. You may worry that if we ask one person to work harder than the other during discernment counseling, there will be an imbalance in your relationship from this day forward.
So, you may ask: “Do I have to agree to be the champion for the marriage?”
The short answer is no – but it means that discernment counseling is unlikely to be helpful and not a good match for your needs. What’s more, we generally note that if neither spouse is willing to take on the role of champion of the relationship, the marriage is likely to be in serious trouble.